For God's Glory, and For it Alone

Many of you know that I have been in a back and forth process of trying to get a job in the Lancaster area.  The responsibilities of this position are very similar to what I do now, accept it would be a higher level of responsibility and would also include responsibilities over the school's orientation program.  It's an institution I've wanted to work at for a long time; it's smaller, private, and has great name recognition in the area.  And yes, Angela and I want so badly to be back in the Lancaster area closer to family.

It's what I've been waiting for.  And I don't think I'm going to get the job.

It started in late March on a Thursday evening.  My contract in my current position at Bloomsburg University allows me 60 paid credits post Bachelor's degree.  Since I already have a Master's, that means Bloom/PASSHE would pay for a doctorate.  Indiana offers a D.Ed. through East Stroudsburg, which is only about an hour away.  I had been kicking around the idea for awhile, and ESU was finally hosting an information evening.

I went with high expectations, which turned out to be unrealistic.  In my mind it would be a couple years of classes and maybe a year or two on a dissertation.  Either way, it would result in minimal interruption to my life.  This was clearly not the case.  The informational meeting probably had 30ish people interested in the program all eying each other up, and about another 30 affiliated with the program, either as instructors, former students, or current students.  One gentleman said he basically missed several years of his children's lives, but that it was worth it to get the degree.

I can't.  I just can't.

There were a lot of similar stories about missing soccer games, missing church, and all sort of other events.  This program understandably demanded sacrifice.  But was this a sacrifice I was willing to make?

On the drive home I had plenty of time to think.  I already had reservations about this possibility, namely being locked into the region for several years and potentially having to pass on an opportunity to get a job back in the Central PA area.  And now this?  Angela and I want to start having kids in the next year or so.  Was I about to leave her alone to figure out this parenthood thing without me?  No.  My answer was no.

Upon arriving home I rehashed the entire evening, my conversation with myself on the drive home, and offered my decision.  Angela, who clearly stated that if I was passionate about pursuing this she would unequivocally support me, confirmed the clarity of my choice.  It was settled.

The next morning, Friday morning, was kind of bland.  I knew this was the right choice, but it was still disappointing that things did not work out.  I began doing something I did every couple weeks, and look at the human resources pages for schools in the Central PA area.  It's always tough, because if I'm applying to one of these schools it's not usually a position I have a lot of experience in.  Most of the schools do not have a specific person for student conduct.  But there, and this aforementioned institution, was an opening for Assistant Dean for Judicial Affairs and New Student Programs--what I knew was a new position at this school.

I was overwhelmed with joy and could not stop smiling!  A perfect job!  A perfect school!  In the region we want!  And I was qualified!  I shared this news with Angela, with several friends back in Central PA, and immediately got people praying as I sent in my application.  Angela and I began to allow ourselves to think about returning to Central PA.  We looked at churches online, thought about the time we'd spend with family and friends, and I looked for homes in the area as she began job searching.

It took awhile, but maybe five or six weeks later I received an email requesting a phone interview.  Our joy doubled!  I prepped so much for this interview; I even made flash cards with questions! I would randomly have Angela ask me questions.  It was going to be a stressful day for the interview, which was scheduled for the afternoon of April 24.  First thing in the morning I had a doctor's appointment in Danville, then as soon as I returned from that I was chairing an elaborate formal hearing that had the potential to go off the rails.  But God was good and I got out of my appointment quickly and the hearing went smoothly, though it did last for quite some time.  Before I knew it, I was home waiting for the call.

I thought the phone interview was outstanding.  Only one person interviewed me and it was very conversational.  We spoke of Title IX, my current responsibilities, my experience with writing/rewriting policy, and a couple other topics.  I couldn't have been more confident after the call.

We were there.  We were back home in Central PA.  The people, the places, the feel.  Home.  It was home and we were there.

The time I was told to expect to hear an answer had elapsed.  They were going to bring in three or four candidates.  I was nervous just waiting.  The work day after the day I was expecting to know had just concluded.  I was in the bedroom with Angela when that familiar 717 number called.  My heart jumped.  I couldn't wait to accept the on-campus interview request!

Except that request was not made.  Instead I was told that I had a great interview, but that they were moving forward with three other candidates.  I was asked if I would want to be included in the process should something not work out with their current plans, and I said yes.  I was still interested.

The numbness set in and Angela returned to the room.  And I wept.  I wept because I was denied something I wanted.  I wept because I was rejected.  I wept because we would not be returning to Central PA.  I wept because I let Angela down.  She cried a little at the time, but she was mostly there for me.  I believe this was a Tuesday.

Later that evening I sent up one prayer that I remember vividly: "God, I know You have it in you to make this still happen, and I want that.  But no matter what, I trust You.  Please bring me close and show me how to do that in this."

As the week progressed, I began accepting the result.  We knew all along that was have a lot of great things going for us in Bloomsburg.  I enjoy my job, Angela enjoys her, we have a number of great friends, and we have an unbelievable church.  Having all that there was comforting.

Thursday evening rolled around and Angela was a little cold to me.  I'm not sure what she was upset about or what I did, but it was definitely noticeable.  Instead of engaging her, I just became annoyed.  She went to bed before me and we barely said goodnight.  The next morning things didn't seem better.  I let my stubbornness take over and allowed myself to be grumpy without even really knowing why.  Before we left for work, it came out.  Angela was as crushed as I was, but was holding it in as to not bring me down more.  To not allow me to feel the weight of disappointment again.  She cried as I had.  Now I was there for her.

The weekend came and we settled into the reality that we would not be going anywhere.  We picked up something we had started the previous summer: house hunting.  Our realtor is a friend from our home group, and he obliged in taking us out to see six homes.  Unlike the previous times, we were not completely depressed afterward.  In fact, one home seemed like a really good and affordable option.  We wanted to see another couple houses, but we felt fairly confident that the summer would end with us purchasing a house.

On the morning of May 18 my office was starting to pack up for a move.  Our office was getting some remodeling done and the semester was over.  It was a pretty inconspicuous day.  Until that 717 number showed up on my phone.

Remember how I agreed to be a part of the process moving forward if something happened?  Something happened.  I was invited to an on-campus interview for May 28.

I couldn't believe I was getting a second chance!  The weekend before the interview we were in the Central PA area with friend and family (it was Memorial Day weekend).  They were so excited for this possibility and all were in on praying for the outcome.  Angela and I left to return to Bloomsburg on Monday, but I would be returning on Tuesday evening to stay with my parents, to make my trip to campus Wednesday morning a little easier.

Tuesday evening we shared this information with our home group to mixed emotions.  They were happy that we had a chance for something we really wanted, but made it clear how much they would miss us.  I left before the study to head home, and Angela stayed at the study which that night covered rejoicing in all circumstances.

I don't think I could have done any better during the interview.  Sure it wasn't perfect, but perfection is impossible and there isn't anything I say I really regret.  The interview lasted from 8:30am to 4:15pm, during which I met 18 different people.  I began with the person who interviewed me originally, then moved into another building where I would spend nearly the whole day.  After the campus tour, I met again with my initial contact.  Our conversation again went very well, and she asked about being able to contact my references.  Yes, they all know I am here.  I was told that she would reach out to me by Monday (June 2) or Tuesday (June 3) at the latest.

My confidence was high.  I found out I was the fourth and final candidate, and since something (I still do not know what) did not work out with the previous three (though it's very likely they just weren't thrilled with their options) that had me feeling good.  I spoke to my professional mentor via email and his analysis of the situation led him to believe that I "should look forward to their call."

The weekend came and went.  It was a great weekend!  The Monday came.  No call.  I work with two of my three references, though because of the construction I'm in a different building.  However, I am sure they would have mentioned if they received a call inquiring about me.

If they were contacting me by Tuesday at the latest, wouldn't they have started contacting my references on Monday?

Right now it is 1:36pm on Tuesday afternoon.  I saw my colleagues as a meeting this morning, and one specifically said she hadn't received a call yet.

I will not be offered the job.  I am sure of this.

Yes, now and then I allow myself to think: "She is in the middle of another search involving a position a step above me.  She must be trying to take care of that first."  Or maybe: "She must have had a personal issue come up to keep her out of the office."  Or perhaps: "Oh, it's higher education.  The timeline they tell you is never accurate."

But that's grasping at straws.  I expect a phone call around 5:00pm today that will be much like the other call I received at 5:00pm from them: Thank you, but it's a no.

I tell this story to say this: If God is glorified more by me staying in Bloomsburg than getting this job that we want so much, then I pray I do not get offered the job.

Don't get me wrong, I also pray that God is glorified more by us moving back to Central PA for this job.  I still want it.  And it's still going to crush me when I'm told no, but God's glory comes first.

I read today Psalm 125: 1 (TNIV):

Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.

How humbling.  Cannot be shaken?  Trust me, when I get this phone call I will be shaken.  I will be crushed.  And no matter how much I try to stay close to God and abide in Him, I will most definitely be shaken.

But not my faith in Him.  And I will not stop trusting Him.  That will not be shaken.

When I returned home after the on-campus interview I thought about all the great stuff in Bloomsburg and found peace.  I thought of people, the better hunting up here, places I enjoy, things I still wanted to do, etc.  Those thoughts gave me peace.

But in anticipation of this phone call, I began losing this peace.  Are those things no longer good enough?  Of course not.  But they do not bring true peace.  I cannot find everlasting peace in people, things, places, or experiences.

True, lasting peace is only found through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

I fully expect to be turned down for this job.  I will be crushed.  I will feel that I let Angela down.  I will weep at the thought of not being closer to family and friends.

Time will heal that pain, but God will be glorified no matter what.  I would rather Him receive more glory from our faithfulness to Him delivering this opportunity to us, but if He chooses to receive glory from our faithfulness to Him in bad news, then glory be to God.